Written by Aisha Nailah "Afrodite" (Hers & His Radio)
Well, well, well...
Recently yet another man attempted to write the rules to the ever popular, hopefully pleasing Booty Call. (SMH) #FAIL
Queen Latifah said it, "Ladies' first!" Beyonce sang it, "Who run the world?" Wouldn't it be only right that the ladies would come correct on the REAL rules to the Booty Call?
Fellas, fellas, fellas! You think you know but you have NO idea.
First of all, let's clarify something. We women are naturally emotional creatures. It does not matter how hard we may act at times when it all boils down to it we're all soft and frilly on the inside, so there is always the possibility that we may not be in nor want a relationship but still have some sort of feelings towards a man. If you are the man in this situation then congratulations, you have been promoted from just plain ol' Booty Call to Cuddle Buddy. This means that either you've managed to put it on her to the point that she's not trying to share her precious jewels with anyone else OR there is some sort of connection on a deeper level other than just sex. A cuddle buddy may also be but is not limited to: An ex, a baby daddy, a childhood friend, or a booty call who had that extra somethin' somethin' . If you are a cuddle buddy then the majority of the following rules will not apply to you. (Check the highlighted portions for further information).
So to recap there are two types of "Booty Calls":
A. The even though you might be fine I have no emotional ties nor do I desire to have any emotional ties to you and it is purely a mutually gratifying, physical relationship enjoyed by two consenting adults type. and
B. The I know we're not in a relationship but I do genuinely care about you type. WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!- Knowing that you are an A type of booty call but trying your best to butter up your cutty buddy (not cuddle, cutty) with the motive of being upgraded to a B type just so you can enjoy the extra perks is a NEGATIVE and may result in not only getting you cut off but also CUT! Don't do it to yourself.
Alright shall we get down to it?
You just finished working out, came home and showered and are feeling some sort of way. You've decided there is only one cure and that is a visit to the Rompin' Shop. You pull out your phone and diligently scroll through your contacts trying to decide which one of your honey bunnies you're going to bless with some action tonight. Before going any further I suggest you pull out a pen and a pad. We're about to give you the 411 and by the end of this, if you're smart enough to follow what we tell you, there will only be blue skies and thunder thighs in your future.
1. MASTER HER PERSONALITY Everyone is NOT the same. Boomquisha and Justine may both be women but it doesn't mean that they are into the same things or share the same standards. Yes they may both think that you're a hot tamale (at least for a possible good couple of hours) but that may be where the similarities end. When you make your call remember that what is good for the goose is not always good for the gander. Learn the personalities of each person and treat them accordingly. If you don't know her that well then play it safe and just treat her like a lady (you can never go wrong with that). Remember we talked about the importance of a first impression and your first time can definitely be your last if you don't play your cards right.
If you're a B type you have this down to a science already.
2. NO TWITTER OR FACEBOOK SHOUT OUTS If you want people to know your business that's your prerogative but there is no need to put her on blast with you. There is no reason for you to let the entire cyber world know that you are on your way to chill with "@Tracy5Footer". This is a booty call, not a new boo.
3. NO YOUR FRIENDS CANNOT GET WITH HER FRIENDS SO YOU CAN ALL BE FRIENDS If you are meeting her in a social setting and trying to score for the night it is NOT cute to try to hook your friends up with her friends so that everyone can head back to your crib for a freak fest. The thought of group sex is a sure fire way for all of you to be going home... ALONE.
4. NO CONDOMS, NO GOODIES
There are all types of diseases going around nowadays. Don't be silly; put a rubber on your willy! If you happen to meet up for a little fun in the sack with no rubbers on deck then don't complain when she hands you one of her favorites. Things like, "Nah boo, I only rock with Magnums," or "I'm not putting on a hot pink condom," will only get you shipped out and sent to the land of lonely. I'm sure Palm’ela will be happy to please you.
B types may already have a stash over at her house or she may have your favorites on hand.
5. RESPECT Do not enter the room with your pants half way down ready to pounce on your prey or tackle your victim. Be respectful of the fact that though there is no love here you are about to enter a space that is very special. Treat her as such. Take your time. Follow her lead. If she asks to be called a bitch, slut, whore, or any other terms that would usually lead to you getting kicked in the you know where, THEN and only THEN may you comply but pulling those words out of the bag and dropping them when they aren't welcomed will get you cursed out and put out!
6. CLEAN YOUR HOUSE If this is about to take place at your house make sure that you have taken the time to clean up. This may not be your girl but you never know what the future may hold. Besides, if your house is nasty you're going to be viewed as nasty and not in the good way. If your house isn't clean then set up a meeting at a hotel and if your house isn't clean AND you can't afford to pay for a hotel room, then you have no business making or answering a call for booty.
7. NO ROOM FOR ROOMIES You know you're having company and you know you're getting lucky tonight (after all that's the whole point of the company) so why is your roommate who you share a bedroom with laying in his bed? That is the quickest way for you to NOT get ANY! This is not a peep show!
8. NO BLAMING IT ON THE ALCOHOL Do not come for a booty call when you're drunk. She does not want there to even be a possibility of you spending the night just because your drunk ass fell asleep and can't wake up. Let's not even forget about everything else that is possible: You may fall asleep during sex, you might spazz out on her, you may throw up during the process and oh yeah YOU MAY NOT BE ABLE TO LEAVE.
Sidenote: If you cannot leave she has the right to get you outside as best she can, put you in a cab and let the cab driver handle you. Wherever you end up is where you end up. It isn't her problem.
B Types are exempt
9. DON'T TRY TO GET TOO COMFORTABLE Do not enter her house wanting to roam around and looking in rooms. "So whose room is this?" "What's upstairs?" "Can I see your backyard?" You didn't come to shoot an episode for HGTV or Better Homes and Gardens. You have one purpose and one purpose only. You don't need to know anything about her house, her family, or her friends. Nine times out of ten you'll never be meeting them and this may be your one and only time getting an invite to come over. The welcome mat comes up after you leave.
B types probably have met the family and may be familiar with the surroundings.
10. NO SNACKING WITH YOUR MACKING
After you've done your good deed for the night (or morning, or afternoon, or evening) don't even think about asking for a snack. You don't even have that type of relationship. If you know that you're the type to get the munchies after you've put in work then you need to walk with your own snacks and water. This is not Burger King. You cannot always have it your way. If it's late hopefully there's a 7 Eleven, a 24 hour bodega, or a chicken spot somewhere in the neighborhood or else you're out of luck.
B types are eligible for a snack or even a meal.
11. MIND YOUR BUSINESS If her phone rings while you're together, it is not your place to ask who's calling. You are only there for one reason and one reason only. You haven't earned a right to ask questions. If you're handling your business the phone should be the last thing you're concerned about. If she's answering the phone when she's supposed to be into the moment then you may want to check your skills.
12. BRING BABY WIPES If you know that you're going to be getting hot and sweaty (after all what's the point if you're not) then walk with a stash of baby wipes because after all is said and done, unless this episode took place at a hotel room which you both are leaving afterward there is no showering. Did you really think you're going to come over to her place for a Booty Call and she's going to let you shower? It's not that type of party playa.
Does not apply to B types.
13. NO PULLING OF THE HAIR UNLESS YOU'RE ASKED This is so obvious. Women are very particular about their hair even if it is wild and untamed. If she tells you to pull her hair then by all means have fun with it BUT don't (I REPEAT) DON'T go pulling her hair without getting permission. You are a momentary thrill not her man. You aren't handing over money to get her hair done so KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF!
14. YOU AIN'T GOT TO HOME BUT... So you came and put in your work and now you're basking in the afterglow. Awwww how nice. Because you really put your all into it you're feeling extremely tired. Especially after working that double shift earlier. Poor baby. Oh well, you know how the saying goes: You ain't got to go home but you got to get the hell up out of here! This is a booty call. The only socializing you came to do is body to body. It's been real. Peace out.
B types are not allowed to spend the night but they can stay for a while after all they are the cuddle buddy.
15. TAKE ALL OF YOUR BELONGINGS WITH YOU If the booty call went down at her house, make sure you take everything that you came there with. It was only sex, don't try to be slick and leave something behind for the next man to see. Stop pissing on trees!
16. NO BACKSIES When all is said and done, leave with some dignity. Don't try to schedule a future appointment before you walk out the door. You may have got your fix but this is no doctor's office. This rule also applies to seeing your booty call out on the town. Do not try to play her close for the night so that you can set something up. Wait for later to come and see what happens then. You'll make yourself look desperate.
B types are exempt from this rule.
17. NO SEASON PASSES Just because she gave you the opportunity to show her what you're working with it does NOT guarantee a repeat in the future. If you DO get a call back don't go bragging to your boys about how you slayed it. Yeah she may have asked you to come over and lay it down but it doesn't mean that you're good, it just means that you were available.
B Types are usually called upon on a regular basis and may be the only person coming through to serve.
18. NO CYBER STALKING Yeah you sexed her. That does not give you the right to go and find her on Facebook and check for her every move. "Who's that dude on your FB page?" None of your business. You aren't her man so you have no right to ask questions. (See Rule #11).
19. NO SOCIAL GUARANTEES UNLESS WE'RE IN THE SAME CIRCLE If the two of you happen to end up in the same club she is not guaranteed to leave with you. She isn't even guaranteed to dance with you. You have nothing tying you to one another besides a moment of passion. If by chance you two are a part of the same social circle though, it is respectful to not leave with anyone else. Either you two leave together or you each leave alone. No need to bring possible drama where friendship resides.
If you're the cuddle buddy you may arrive together and 90% out of the time will leave together.
20. KEEP HER NAME OUT OF YOUR MOUTH
You hooked up with her. So what! You're not the only man to ever have sex and you won't be the last. People do not need to know what positions you used, what she is into, or even that the two of you hooked up for that matter. Mutually agree not to spread the word. Spreading her name is only throwing mud on your image because it leads to the assumption that you either aren't used to getting it or you have something to prove to cover up for your own insecurities or lack of being a real man. (Hmmm…Down low brother maybe?)
21. SPEAK FOR YOURSELF Don't have your boy acting as your representative and setting up a time slot for you to hook up unless you want your friend to be the one getting the goodies. Women are naturally turned on by men who can speak for themselves. The fact that he's speaking for you makes him more attractive than you. NOT CUTE!
22. NO NEW POSITIONS You always wanted to try the pretzel and were turned on by the thought of froggy style but never actually tried it. DO NOT pick your booty call to try out something new. It will just make you seem lame if you aren't able to get it right and you will be placed on the DO NOT ANSWER list in her phone. Besides, you're there for one thing and one thing only and you need to be in and out. There is no time to be trying out some new trick that “Tony and them” told you about.
N/A to B types
23. WIFE AND KIDS EQUALS NADA If you know you have a family at home or a girl who you are supposed to be committed to don't even bother making or answering a call! It doesn't make sense to go through any drama for a few moments of sex especially when there are no guarantees that it will even be good.
24. NO TIME FOR FAKE ONES Let's be real. This is a booty call, not a sex ed class. She shouldn't have to fake it. If you cannot take her over the mountain top consider yourself officially dismissed. You will most likely NEVER receive the opportunity again. If you're going to come then come correct. You're on the clock, there's no time to waste and she could have spent this precious time with someone who could really get the job done.
N/A to B types
25. ASK NO QUESTIONS AND YOU'LL GET NO LIES Do not go asking her friends about her if she hasn't returned your text messages or phone calls. Just because you got open off of her humps does not mean she wants you again. (See NO SEASON PASSES). When you see her girls in the club don't run up to them asking where she's been at. There is a chance they may not know the truth and if they do the sure aren't going to share it with you.
Doesn't apply to B types since she would usually be speaking to you on a semi regular basis anyway.
**Special thanks to Althema "African Violet" (Hers & His Radio) for your input in coming up with these rules.**
